Through prayer today,and writing this and in continuance of my blog entry on my Lahey experience, I felt a true ebbing up in my soul of graditude for what God has done in my life, my families life in so many ways. Some of our experiences that we have had as family were sad, some very joyful, and some where both to the extremes emotionally. I have only shared this story of my son Brad Michael once before and never thought honestly that I would do it again, My wife and I lost our second child and second son just over 25 years ago.

So, I guess God wants me to depart from the cancer blog for a moment to perhaps connect with people who have lost a child. Each child is Sacred. I believe God wants me to let you know that we here can identify with your loss. My view of it is that it will never be okay for any parent to lose their child no matter what the age.. It goes against God’s plan and it is down right un natural.

In this blog entry I will try and witness what it meant to us in so many ways. It was truely life changing and changed our perception of everything.Life went gray for a long while. I hope and pray that as the words spill out onto this page that God and the Holy Spirit will heal you and perhaps will enlighten me more as to where I truely rest on this issue. There is a lot of pain to this day even writing about him and yet there is a piece of me that understands that he was meant in this life for us here at my home from a different purpose, one that we would would never had anticipated in a thousand years.

My wife and I were in our 20’s when our second son Brad came into the world. I don’t need at this point to detail the whole ordeal but will set up the framework.We found out at the 16 week ultasound that somthing did not look correct with his heart. We were sent directly across the street to Boston’s Children Hospital that very day. They looked and checked out their images and said that he looked like he may need a procedure after birth,a good percent chance that It was correctable remember this was 25 plus years ago now. Ultra sound had more shadows are were harder to read.

My wife started into labor that very day and had to be put on bed rest. Full bedrest, We had our first child that was around 2 at this point named Danny . I was working 6-7 days a week in my family business, my brothers and I were working some nights overnight at clients busineses doing work that could not be completed with their staff present.

With all of theses variables in play my parents did what they always did for their kids and they stepped up. My parents had recently had my last sibbling move out and marry.The 5 kids were gone, the house was nice and quiet freshly painted and papered. My dad had recently retired , and my mom was still working. My parents have always been the best, alway’s. My mom went to the Lord almost one year ago, and she was a living doll. 🙂

My parent s  simply said come here with us and will figure it out. No drama, My mom said, We can look after Janet and Danny so you can work. It was simple, they just did it. My brothers and i gathered dannys crib , changing table, and miscellaneous stuff we needed from the apartment. My parents livingroom became my wife and my bedroom, My son was upstairs in the guest bedroom with all of his wall art moved from our place to my parents home. There newly refinished walls has new holes with micky mouse and stuff hanging on them. It did not bother them.  They wanted DJ to feel safe and comfortable. My brothers and sister were there all the time with their kids taking DJ out to play so he could get his energy out. This went on for 6 months. My Mother and Father  and family were filling our needs and were being of service to us, Like Martha in the bible always humble servants. The salt of the earth.

Well delivery day came and it was scheduled,My wife was with a highrisk prenatal doctor. Dr. G Janet went into the or for a  C section. I was there as well.  There were probably about 6 doctors in the room beween my wifes Dr’s and Childrens Hospitals doctors. They were waitng on Brads delivery to evaluate him .

Well, the care that Brad would need was far more extensive that they had initially suspected.

He had single right ventricle with pulminary stinosis. It was a pretty rare diagnosis in this day. Surgery was  also considered experimental. I am sure today that their are even better protocols and treatments available. I think I will just say this on the account in the hospital. They were amazing, they had hearts of Gold. And we are thankful to this day that God selected them in that time to care for Brad and my family. There is nothing more than anyone could have done. Remember doctors are not God, they work throught the Gift that God gaved them to do what they can. The rest is up to God.

Brad Micheal lived 14 days. During that time we kept hearing all the time as God as my witness was…. There is somthing about him, he is so beautiful.  doctors, staff, and other, parents and people in the unit walking by would stop and say hello to us and stop to look at him. They were saying the exact same words. At one point I said to my wife I wish people would stop saying that! You see somehow inside my Spirit was preparing  me for something that I was not willing to accept yet. I knew that he was not meant to be here with us, I just felt it, my wife felt it too and it was rocking us to our core.

Well as I said 14 days after Brad came into this world he left peacefully surrounded by my wife, myself and the doctors. My wife was still recovering from the  C Section and was sitting there in a chair and she held Brad all the tubes where out etc . He looked like he was just sleeping, they had put his little out fit on, you see he had been doing well after surgery and took a sudden cardiac arrest. The nurse passed my wife Janet our son and she held him in a way that only a mom can. after a short while the nurse took Brad and passed him to me and I said no. My wife said Dan you really should , I reached out my arms and drew him to my chest and just exploded. I did not want to let go.  He was an angel!  I know he is with us all the time even in this moment supporting me.

You see Brad was a Miracle, what he did for my life and my wifes life was tp change who we were, and where we would go Spiritually. It changed each one of our children as well. My wife and I were   blessed with 3 beautiful daughters after Brad had passed. He has been a blessing, our angel.

Would we ever have  wanted this to happen to us or any other living person? Absolutely Not We are living in a imperfect world  since the fall of Eden. So, again God gives us victory through Jesus Christ and we have our beloved son Brad waiting for us to meet him again in Heaven someday.

I will say this, it took a while for my wife and myself to rebound. We were angry, we did not know how this could happened to us, why? Again looking through younger eyes at that time we had not seen or experienced such a painful roller coaster ride personally before. Plus, I felt bad for my grandmother that we were so closed to Nana ilene. ( Her husband , My papa has passed away a few years earlier. My nana was I think around 75 at the time of Brads passing and she was so upset, She kept saying why didn’t God take me and leave Brad here? I am old, She felt guilt. She was a beautiful person. She was a very faithful person very devoted to Jesus Christ and My Blessed Mother. She got permission to have our son Brad Michaels remains to be placed in her plot with my grandfather at the time, and my parents and she inscribed the back of the stone for us, they asked us at that time what we wanted written on the stone and out of my mouth flew these words,

Fourteen Day,s of life , a life time of joy.

My wife agreed right away.

Thats how God and the Holy Spirit work. They give us the positive and hopeful words. They are holding us and getting us through this thing called life. It is called profound love for us. After many years we could look at the words on his stone and appreciate the utter joy he has brought to us. My granmother also had a kneeling angel inscribed on the stone so beautiful. , Thanks nana. 🙂

We were upset about our son’s loss we were trying to cope,

My wife and I even started to miss church whatever! Yet we were still connected to God like I said back a few blogs ago even when we feel dead to the Spirit of God, we are not. God , his angels and the Holy Spirit are constantly ministering to us. Awake or asleep. We were talking to them all the time words of anger, bitterness and despair. Guess, what ? God takes that too. He know us and understands.

God understands the complexities and frailties of the human mind and understands mourning.Mourning is a process as individual as eachone of is. As long as God’s in it,  as he was for us. The darkness of the night and anguish will end and the stinger in our hearts  will be lessened. We  were teaching God a lesson and not going to church for a while,  so there! So, we were showing God!  But, we were stilled connected, like the vine is to the tree. I looked at my life and saw love everywhere, I felt in my heart, and felt it when I looked at my wife, son and family. Life was still beautiful. There was and always will be healing coming from God but that takes a while for us to understand.God is patient and will wait for us to get to the point that he can create a new creation in us, it is a healing.

So, In closing grieving any loss in your life is terrible just keep God in it. We celebrate Brad as an angel who helped our family to grow in a way that we would never have grown , We  would not be today the same people or family of Faith that we are  had it not been for our  miracle Brad Michael.

A few notes, my grandmother nana ilene passed away and went to the Lord within 3 months of Brads passing. We had a mass of the angels for him and burial in the family plot. My mom passed last Aug nearly a year ago. They are together waiting for our family in Heaven so that gives us so much comfort.

We had Brads organs donated to help other people that needed a miracle too.

I have to acknoledge in this writing the gift of friendship that came out of this experience. Brad brought together through the Holy Spirit a couple, their three children and their entire family in a way that only God can do. Look for all of the love and blessings in your life too. They are looking right at you.

Remember, when we are called by God, and we all will be called someday by name that there will be no more questions no more tears, and eternity with our Lord and our family  is so much longer than this life experience.

Sorry for any typo’s to wiped  out to look.

God Bless You All,

Danny

Natilie Grant  Held

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5d0YZ2b000

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5d0YZ2b000

Natalie Grant Held