That title seemed a little strange when I got it a while back, as a matter of fact I almost scratched the title idea on more than one occasion. Well it kept coming back to me. My life caught up to the meaning of this title of  am I leaning on this life too much? over the last month or so.

I have been trying to figure out what caused my blues lasts week. I am bouncing back and feel better thanks to God. I have been quiet with myself, not talking a whole lot, thinking praying and resting. The title was heaven sent for this exact moment.

I have had a lot going on here , you know life stuff. But I think the root of my problem has most recently been based in the fact that I am relying on my dream of what life would have been. I was expecting life to make me happy. I had such grand illusions most of which were not based in God but of this world. And, you know life has always appeared to me to be pretty darn happy. I have been very blessed nothing is perfect but it has been very beautiful. So, what has changed? By the grace of God I now understand.

Whats been eating me….

Guilt, lots and lots of it.

I have been carrying a whole lot of guilt , survivor guilt, guilt over the fact that I am not working, guilt that I cannot tend to household chores, Guilt that I am still not the physical man that God created me to be. I wrote a couple of blogs ago that I felt like it was a death of a dream for myself, my wife and my kids.

Grand Illusion-Styx [Lyrics]

My illness made me not as capable when my mom and family needed me most.

I have seen many who I was helping who were looking for a Miracle perish from cancer etc and stand at their wakes and funerals knowing that their loved ones are thinking why him and not mom or dad. Why didn’t God save them. There are so many different layers to this.

The bottom line…

I know what people think and I understand and comprehend where they are coming from. My sister took me to a medical appointment  around 4 months ago . The medical professional that I was meeting with was sitting behind her desk inputting my medical history and as she entered my personal information. This person was lovely but her personal  hurt was on the surface. When she heard my diagnosis and saw how I present she said, why didn’ t God save my parents they were really good. Why should I be spared death in this moment? God only knows. As we left the appointment that day I told my sister today was not about me, it is about her. I am always open to talk to everyone I meet so I understand where they are coming from.  I will answer just about any question thrown my way.

I sent an email to her the following day to thank her and to let her know that God did save her mom and dad. They were good prayerful people by her definition. 🙂 So thats my feeling. I have and will continue to tell everyone that I am here for the moment by the grace of God alone. For his reason and eventually I too will be called.

As far as family guilt goes, my family, wife, kids, brothers, sister mom and dad never said one disparaging word about my lack of ability to do and to be there.

I also know that the quilt lies with me. It’s my ego and vision of who I am that needs healing.  So, I now have the key to my issue, I need to love myself where I am at and not by the standard that does not exist.

No matter what happens in life we need to bend, change and except truely what the life situation we are in. There have been times where I wanted to scream and throw a fit over the frustration of it all. I thank God for my prayer life, family , and friends . They help to balance my life out.

At my lowest point while laying in my chair and in my bed, I actually told God just take me . I was not being mellow dramatic, I was just tired and resigned to whatever happened to me  but this voice in my head said this. Don’t give up. I was at my nieces wedding and it was beautiful. A song was played and my wife took my hand and said c’mon. I left the cane at the table and relied on her to get me to the dance floor. We slow danced for the first time in 3 years. In that moment I felt normal again, her eyes spoke the words in her heart and I felt and saw the beauty in that moment and in my life.

Don’t give up. . I heard those words gently through my brokenness.

We have such hope no matter what’s going on we need to put emotions aside and find God in our situations.

This song came to mind.

JOSH Groban   Don’t give up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vS32wYHbsgA