I have not written very much over the last few weeks. Not because of any particular reason it has been busy for me in different ways and i just have not had the time or energy to pray on the message and find my starting point well, i guess now is the moment. i feel inspired so, here it goes. 🙂

I continue to be in treatment and the brain cancer is not into remission so I am going to continue my treatment protocol for 1 year if I should continue to need it. So, it’s pill formed chemo and Avastin drip in chemo in an attempt to attack the cancer on two fronts.

 

my next scan will be towards the end of August and will give mea better view of whether this plan is in fact working if so great if not then I will have choices to make with my family.

 

I am am not worrying about it at the moment.

 

today I went to Hanger prosthetics in Woburn  and got my ankle brace because I have a drop foot on my left side that causes me at times especially when I am tired to catch  my toe  on the surface I am walking on causing me to trip forward and gives me the potential of falling down. And, once I am down I cannot get up on my own. I do not have the strength and mobility at this time. I am very tired from the treatment but aside from that I feel very well. Psychologically, being honest I am sick of being sick. I am sick of feeling needy. I need help in much of my life’s needs. My wife and family are picking up all of the slack that I cannot pull myself.

My wife and I were offered last week an opportunity to go up to a friends home in Hampton NH . I spent weeks at a time there as a boy with my family my grandparents ,aunts,uncles and cousins.

The cottage was very nice and was set back 5 blocks from the main boulevard so it was very quiet the sunroom faced onto the marsh which too was beautiful. The sunsets from her from porch were just incredible. You could not capture it with a camera. But my mind holds it very clearly.

My wife is always trying to make things as normal as possible for me and she really wanted to get me onto the sand but the special beach wheelchairs that were available were already lent out with no idea of when they would be returned so the beach idea was not meant to be that day. I was fine at the cottage sitting quietly in the chair and I sent my wife and kids down to enjoy the time that they had. It was my wife Janet’s birthday as well so it was nice. The kids came back and forth depending on their schedules. It was so great to just be together. I disappeared to bed early but my wife and kids were up quite late laughing and playing scrabble so I was so pleased. Our friends generosity made for beautiful memories and a rest bit for us all which was priceless to me.

I went down to the boardwalk twice with my wife and just sat on the bench looking through the railing and down the length of the beach to as I was sitting there I envisioned the boardwalk 40 years ago the old green railing s and seating and thought of my parent grandparents aunts,uncles brothers ,sister and cousins. I could hear and remember through my minds eye those things fused into my my memory that are part of my hearts song.it has all been redone now and is beautiful.

 

I began to to remember being on the beach until nearly sunset and we would all run home to shower eat and off we went to the bandstand for the music, comic show or magician or 2 once in awhile. 🙂

it was good clean family fun.

 

On Sundaybmy wife got me into her car and we made it to the boardwalk and I sat again out of the sun looking onto the beach. I watched a young dad playing with his little ones and I looked on remembering my time with my kids

 

The great thing today at the beach is you do not need your transistor radio with the RadioShack batteries. If you have a cellphone or I phone as I do you can bring your music or whatever you want. As long as you have service your all set

this song came on as I sat looking at the people of the beach and the kids climbing on the small rock formation that to me 40 years ago looked like a mountain. I heard this song and I felt so connected to the past. I swear ton God I could feel my dearly departed with me and felt so good. While I was sitting there I uttered well, close but no cigar. My wife questioned me about it and I said well 5 years was the number that if you reach with this cancer is considered good. I made it 4 years and a moth before the cancer came back into my life. So, my inner mourning found its way out in a under my breath utterance. This song was so popular back in that time. I could picture myself running through the burning sand trying not to step on others beach blankets or kick sand at others as we ran past. I mourn for those days but I also Amos grateful that I had them. Every moment of my childhood,  marriage, and rearing of my children has given me such joy. I sat to my eldest daughter that I feel badly because if and when God blesses she and her husband Chris with children I will not be able to safely pick up the baby like I would want to because my left arm and hand do not work properly in this moment anyway. But, I had to turn that negative thought and statement around and said sorry God, I am blessed to have been able to experience that 4 times around with my children. Plus nieces and nephews. So I know what it is to have a little one who needs comfort food, diaper etc . I have looked at them as they took the pacifier, rubbed their cheeks and fed them you connect with your children by soathing them and gentle connection through the eyes. So, I i won’t be the papa who sitting on the floor or running beside the bike. But, that may not be my role in the grandchildren so lives. I know that I will always try to make them laugh, make them hopeful and they will know that God gave them to us to help them along their life’s journey. I will simply be.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlv9ucJLCvc

Another song that came up was this. One as I listened to it now 40 plus years later I thought some things in this song have changed others really have not.

 

Finally for my beautiful sister the oldest of my parents 5 children who is the most loving, and giving sister, generous sister that anyone could ever have. This was the song that she loved so much. For Donna, thanks love you honey ❌⭕️❌⭕️❤️❤️❤️

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsYnBI2nvHI

God bless you all,

well, off to bed soonDana Farber tomorrow morning very early. 😀

Danny