From a Different Perspective: #JustJanetSpeaks
Good Evening,

No, I am not starting my own “Just Janet Speaks”…Just have a couple of real-life posts that I would like to put out there for people who are in a similar situation whether it be now or in the future. 

First of all, I have to apologize because I wasn’t born with the gift of writing as my husband was so I’ll do the best I can. I’m writing for the same reason that Dan is documenting his hospice home experience…Just hoping to help people if and when it comes time that they have a loved one who becomes gravely ill.

I just thought I would talk about what a wife/caretaker goes through mentally and how I’ve made it this far by the grace of God and plan to stay strong even after Dan’s passing. This is probably easier said than done. It’s hard to imagine what my life will be like after he passes. I honestly can’t see past it at this time in my life but, unfortunately, I will know soon enough. I do know that he will always be with myself and my children to watch over us. He will always be in my heart. That’s what I truly believe.

Luckily, I have my faith which I tend to lean on during a time like this. Or let’s just say, I should be leaning on but, at times it’s really difficult and if you’ve heard me when I’m at my lowest low (which unfortunately a few close friends have heard), you would think I had no faith at all. When that happens, I have to stop and put things back into perspective. I have to admit that I am only human and I have questioned God many times during this ordeal. It doesn’t mean I’ve lost my faith or that I no longer believe in God. It just means that I’m human and as a human, we are all selfish when it comes to losing a loved one especially one who you feel is too young and too good of a person to leave this earth but, it is not for us to decide. Unfortunately, we have no control. Even all the money in the world can not heal such an illness. Look at Ted Kennedy who also had the same brain cancer that Dan has (Glioblastoma Multiforme Grade 4) who unfortunately couldn’t save himself even with all of his money. It’s a horrific disease that keeps on attacking and always comes back with a vengeance. 

I still find it hard to believe that it has come to this point. The time where there is no more treatment and nothing else that the doctors can do for him. I can’t say enough about the wonderful care that Dan received and the impeccable bedside manner that his doctor and nurses have over at Dana Farber and Brigham and Women’s. Just thought I would throw that in. 🙂 I’ve said to many close friends/family that it seems so surreal. This place looks like a fancy hotel…only without a pool….Sometimes I let my mind wonder and it could almost seems like we are just hanging out on vacation. It’s sunny and bright here with skylights and doesn’t have that hospital smell at all nor do you feel like there are germs everywhere and feel like you need to keep washing your hands. Luckily Dan is not in pain which I am grateful for. We have seen many suffer in the end with so much discomfort.

I’ve definitely been through all of the feelings that one has who is about to lose their soulmate. We have known each other 35 years and have been married for 30 of those years. 

I remember being so angry that Dan had this incurable illness. I felt that it was not fair and I was very angry with God and angry at the fact that we’ve already lost a son at two weeks old due to a rare heart defect. I was angry and felt like I’ve already paid my dues and why should I have to lose my husband now too. But, I’ve come to realize that everything seems to happen for a reason-we don’t always know that reason and sometimes we will never know..maybe that’s why we have a son in heaven?…just so that he is there to greet Dan, his father. If you read psalm 139 which Dan loves and quotes all the time, it basically says that God knows all before it actually happens in your life. In other words, God has a plan and he knows all.

As faithful as I am, I have had moments that I am not so proud of where I haven’t been so strong. I have to admit if I’m going to cry, it’s usually by myself for the most part at nighttime when I’m alone. Best time to cry right?! When no one is around right?!…So I thought!!!…until some random pizza guy rings your bell at 12:30 in the morning and scares you so bad that the tears turn to fear-true story! Who on earth delivers that late in Wakefield?! Apparently they do because he was holding a pizza but, had the wrong address. Normally, I try not to cry in front of the kids but, that doesn’t always work out too well either-sometimes it’s just hard to hold back. I’ve cried only to close friends who apparently I felt comfortable enough with to let out my true feelings, but, I know that it can be overwhelming for some people. I don’t want any of my friends to feel as though they need to be my therapist after Dan passes. I will seek professional help before that happens and take it one day at a time. I don’t want my time with my friends to be spent with them consoling me.

If Dan has taught me anything, it’s to be faithful and strong and to deal with whatever comes your way.

My advice to everyone is to live each day to the fullest and enjoy life because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Never take life for granted because life is too short. Always be the best person you can be and be kind and caring toward everyone. I wish you all the very best and hope that you never have to go through this. 

Stay Strong-God Bless!

Love,

Janet