I have come to understand fear. I have never felt fear to a degree that I have been stopped literally in my tracks until about 2 weeks ago.. I now know it’s power.
Fear is not of God It is in my case an emotional thought run a muck. I triggered the reaction in myself about two weeks ago. I wrote about an incident I had while at the track when I was walking where I was so angry with myself about being negative plus being sick of my situation that I pushed myself to the point of nearly falling. It was only by the grace of God that my daughter showed up in that moment to assist me.
Well, as I have found since that occasion I am finding it extremely difficult to walk in areas that I have walked before. I fill with fear and freeze in place. So, I have found myself having to stop and remember the fact that I can walk and that I will be okay. My sister in law witnessed my freezing up while walking to the car and just said c’mon you ‘ll be fine. I was out with my wife and it happened again. I know what caused my traumatic memory, me. The fact that I was walking fast and was angry with myself and the extreme feeling of trying to stay standing with no one around me left a bad trauma in my memory which effected my psyche.
I ended up making my way to where I needed to go but it was sheer will that got me through.
I have never dealt with fear like this before so perhaps I needed this in my life so I could fully comprehend what it is and what some people live with on a daily basis.
Fear in my case is senseless because around my home and other places that I frequent I walk around normally. its just in new areas that are unknown to me
I know one thing I am going to face this fear and get this behind me. In my case it is my faith and the true reality of the fact that, I am okay that will get this lie to leave my mind and emotions and allow me to contunue the walking and healing of this body. Amen.
Fear is an emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately a change in behavior, such as running away, hiding or freezing from traumatic events. Fear may occur in response to a specific stimulus happening in the present, or to a future situation, which is perceived as risk to health or life, status, power, security, or, in the case of humans, wealth or anything held valuable. The fear response arises from the perception of danger leading to confrontation with or escape from/avoiding the threat (also known as the fight-or-flight response), which in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) can be a freeze response or paralysis.
When the fear came upon me my entire left side froze like stone. I have left side weakness and have tone issues with the side. I could not breathe either. yet, when pulled forward, I moved through it.
I found this good little explanation of what fear is and does.
After watching this video again I am amazed at how much his description and experience are similar to mine and perhaps yours too.
I have been in a process of discovery, learning a lot of bodily motions all over again. From balance through movement. It is a long 1″ at a time victory. I have been called a slow motion miracle. As I have said before I am grateful to God and everyone that has assisted and prayed for me.Thank you and God Bless You. 🙂
I do not write or talk too much about my wife. She is a sweet, quiet private person. I will say this though I absolutely could not have been given a better gift of a wife. Without her I would not have made it through this whole ordeal. She has carried my family and has done so with such beauty and grace. Now she will kill me for writing about her but I needed to give her the credit and God the glory of his goodness to me, my children and our friends.
During my week away from my blog Friday March 27th, I had a very beautiful experience. I got up at around 5 a.m. I ate showered and was at physical therapy by 8:oo am.
I headed to the church and arrived too late for the 9:00 am mass so decided not to interrupt the mass. The other fact was that the church was packed and there was no parking anywhere. So, I decided to get my haircut. I went around the block in the car to find a parking space near the shop. The parking even on the street was full from the church parking over flow. I kept circling the block determined to find the elusive parking spot. Well, I found a spot at the furthest point of the church property on the street. I walked the distance all the way around the church and down to the barber shop and said great there is no one outside waiting at the barber shop. It’s a busy place 🙂
So, I went to open the door and realized that they were not opened yet. The little sign said open 10 to 8 pm so I said to myself shoot! I needed to wait for 40 minutes until they open. It then began to rain lightly and I was cold and wet. I was standing or weight baring as they call it and I get tired real quick so I looked at the bench that sits in front of the shop and it was dripping wet. That would not work ! LOL
I thought to myself I have to go back to the car but I realized it was a long walk back and I knew that if I had walked back to the car that I would never have the energy to go back there for the haircut that day.
So, I said I am going to stand here and wait. I began shifting my weight and leaning against the building.
God’s plan for my day…. He has a great sense of humor! 🙂
While I was standing there in the rain, church let out. An older Irish women crossed the street and was walking by me with her umbrella open. As she walked by I said hello and smiled. I looked like a wet rat holding a cane lol. She smiled and looked at me and said whats your name ? She looked very puzzled. I told her my name and she said, and Iquote my God, I thought you were dead LOL OMG! We stood there laughing. She was apologetic over her statement I explained my dark sense of humor and that I loved it. I explained how grateful I was for God’s mercy and that my jobs not done yet. She said that the homily at mass was about Miracles and that I was her confirmation of their existence.She was blown away, as she stepped away we said goodbye and I looked up and another women was crossing the street and I recognized her. She was on my earlier blog writing nearly a year ago. She is a miracle herself!
N is a Chaplin who visited me when I was receiving home visitations as they thought I would die three years ago. She had come to pray with me when I was house bound and bring the Holy Eucharist to me. During prayer together here at my home she had a healing from God and is doing very well now. I said hi N, how are you? She said My God Dan? You look great. I did not recognize you. You are a Miracle I have to tell Robin aka my nurse that sat with me how good you are doing and look. She just kept hugging me. She was leaving and kept waving and blew me a kiss as she pulled away from the curb. I was like wow!
It was now almost 10:00 am and a man pulled up out front of the barber shop and the man got out of the car and I said ,oh no don’t! lol I am the first in line I have been standing here for 45 minutes. We both laughed this man had a very peaceful and welcoming demeanor.
He said absolutely I was just coming in so my son could cut my hair and smiled. He then asked me, did you have a left side medical term? I said I did not know what that medical term means but I had been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer almost three years ago. I said the women that pulled out of the space that he pulled into was a a hospice Chaplin that I knew. He said oh hold on, he ran to his cars trunk and got a book . He was an author and he wrote a wonderful book named The Mist Vanishes. His name is Stephen Brennan and the book is a Christian Caregiver’ s Guide To End Of Life Care.
There was a reason I needed to stand there that day in the rain. He was a wonderful person to meet and the other two women brightened my day . I got my hair cut and walked back to my car . I also stopped into the chapel to thank God for my beautiful day .
You just never know what God’s got in store for us. God makes the ordinary extraordinary! Amen.
The weather is changing, the days are longer and life is so beautiful so why not laugh. Just laugh and let the Spirit of joy lighten your heart and mind. Amen.
I was sitting in my kitchen yesterday (Saturday ) and it was raining out. My daughter was making vanilla bean cake with some intricate frosting for a client/friend and the kitchen smelt unbelievable. Everything is from scratch so the aroma is very crisp.
She looked at the usually bubbly daddy and and said whats wrong? I just said nothing. She dug a little deeper and I just said its almost Christmas, its gloomy out, I am here but don’t do much. I said do you remember all the breakfasts and dinners that I made here in this kitchen over the years? I said, now, I cannot do that. What I use to make in my kitchen was a labor of love for my family and friends. They were eloborate dishes that required 2 hands to complete. My family remembers them well. My wife and kids are good cooks as well, so I am not starving !! LOL I just miss being me. We would have gatherings at my old home and here with up to 60 people in attendance. It was an honor and pleasure to open our home up. Back in the early days I had a party with no livingroom furniture and had extra plastic chairs and tables from my yard set up in there. It was beautiful times with my family and friends. We were packed in like sardines and were so happy. Kids everywhere , drinks spilling, kids running around, it was so fun ! And then we had beautiful church gatherings and celebration here as well. We had Cursillo Holy Rosary Services here too. The prayer gatherings were packed with adults and children all participating in the family Rosary, how beautiful! The children are our greatest personal gifts from God. Amen.
My daughter said you miss Nana too, right? I said yes, my parents always told us when we were younger about the Christmas blues. I did not understand what that meant until recently. I now understand. In life, we need to live to understand so much of what our parents taught us as kids. We own it and then when death happens we understand and then need to work through the emotional part of the loss to find peace.
My sister Saint D. 🙂 contacted me this morning and mentioned the same sentiments to me. No one did more for my mom than my sister and dad ! Lifes situations require healing time and emotions vary from person to person so we all experience it differently but healing does come to all in time. Every wound will heal. My mom passes a year ago this past August but I still feel her presence with me. My memory and God’s love connects us. So I feel joy in the end of it all because I was blessed to have my mom selected by God to raise myself and my siblings. And we will be together again someday.
What I have come to understand personally is that I have been living a Victory of my personal survival of terminal cancer in this moment. I have been surving and doing my victory lap in this life for God’s Glory. But now that I am in a peaceful place personally I am being confronted with the many personal losses in my life. I am grieving those aspects truely for the first time. It is my emotional Journey, Which will lead to Spiritual growth for me.
Its time to confront them now and pray on them. God will guide me through the Holy Spirit , he will heal my emotions and show me where to put them. He will also direct me on to whats next. I just know that I need to feel fulfilled, I need to get out of here and provide for my family in some regard. I am currently getting ready to go for my liscense again to get it reinstated. I got behind the wheel of my sons car with my permit and it was like I had never stopped driving. It was a beautiful feeling of being free. The possibilities of my life began to open up once again. Another Miracle is getting a license reinstated after it is surrendered due to a terminal illness. The system is not accustomed to a dead man walking. LOl sorry, my dark sence of humor again. Going back to get it reinstated.
Its has been a hurtle to get over for sure 🙂
Well, I more than satisfied all of their tests. I am doing well thanks to God.
God’s showing them what he can do.
I am currently looking for a used Geloppy LOL so that I can get the few items installed into that I require (devices) and then I will schedule my road test. It needs to be the vehicle that I am tested in that I will be driving. The medical division is fussy 🙂
So say a little prayer I find something to suit my needs and it passes inspection. 🙂
So, a little ode to myself today with my little pitty party. 🙂 OMG I am a Drama King !!
Those Were The Day’s
For all of us remembering and missing our loved ones I do truely believe that they hear all and watch us all. I know nothing more than you all but my heart tells me that.
Just Danny Speaks 