Good morning, today, I was up at 5:30 and the cold that has been on me for over two weeks seems to finally be leaving. I am very grateful for this.
Last night was a busy night here with my youngest daughter getting her next semester of college underway. It was good stuff though. I got into bed and began my evening prayer and was looking out of the skylight at the very black sky. It was like a blank black canvas devoid of any stars. Not a typical night sky.
I was laying there thinking about the day and all that went Into it. I saw some news, as always it seems to be increasingly more depressing.
The story of that day that I found so very sad was the murder of Dr. Michael Davidson at Brigham and Women’s Hospital. I cannot accurately answer the question of why a person would ever hurt a doctor who is attempting to save lives. Clearly ,the perpetrator had to have been mentally imbalanced. But it is still tragic for everyone especially his family.
During my writings on this blog, I have covered my relationship with my doctors and all of my health Care providers. I as a patient love them as far as I am concerned they are on my team seeking the best outcome for me that they humanly can provide.
That’s right I did say humanly. Doctors are just people like us and are subject to everything that we are. I detailed in my writing months ago about the loss of my son Brad Michael that there was an issue with the suctioning technique while removing fluid from his lungs, which triggered his cardiac arrest. After Brad passed from those complications of that error. I made the comment with the Doctors , Now what do we do? They looked at my wife and myself and looked a little worried. I realized my words were not well selected for that moment but I / we were in shock over his loss.
I looked into their eyes and realized the reality of the moment and said , no,no I am not blaming you. I know how hard you worked on Brads behalf. I was just talking out loud about my wife and I being able to pick up the pieces and going on.
After I said that they understood it was my mind trying to keep the situation in a place where emotions can be watched carefully. I was trying to lead my wife through this horrific emotional loss.
You see, Dr.s are amazingly gifted individuals who have a very special calling, they have the same problems that we do but they also feel the weight on their shoulders when it comes to aspect of human life.
For instance, could you imagine waking up on a beautiful April morning going into the hospital as my doctor did and having to then drill into My skull ( his patients) and then to put a probe deep into my brain to get a biopsy sample of the tumor to grade my cancer with his hands knowing that one slip could kill me his patient? I could never have done that. And you know , I as the patient understood that there were no guarantees. The only thing that we can rely on is the fact that God, the author of life is there with us.
So, God Bless Dr. Michael Davidson and family may they be comforted by God in this moment.
Also, let us pray for that man that perpetrated this desperate and horrible act. He and his family need prayers now too.
What I truely have missed the last two weeks while being sick Is being able to attend mass in my parish church.. During the Roman Catholic mass the beauty of the mass opens like a flower before your eyes through prayer, song and scripture and during the mass we believe that Heaven opens up and joins us in our celebration of the last supper table and its narrative. The priest or Deacon will then say the sacred words that will change the common wine and common unlevin bread through the Eucharistic Miracle, into the body and blood of Christ.
Like Fr R says, if you want to see a Miracle it’s happening every time you attend mass . I do believe that. I feel the presence of Heaven with me at that moment and as I mentioned in my writing a few days back that at times my mind can wander during mass particularly if I am tired but when that beautiful part of the mass begins I am pulled out of my mind wandering back to the heart of Christ and his life giving gift known as the KISS. / EUCHARIST as a reminder of what he did and that Jesus considers us his brothers and sisters, we are not the sinners that we could truely be seen as but as part of his father’s ( GOD) family AMEN.
When you recognize that the mass becomes part of the last supper narrative by useing Jesus words. We are united as one. It is a beautiful symbolism that takes a historic event from thousands of years ago and makes us one with our ancestors of faith 1 eternal community.
THE LAST SUPPER SCENE
So remember this the next time you sit in your parish church. You were chosen by God to be there.
The alter of marble, wood ,and is equipped with fine chalice s and linen was originally set for us all. We are all around that alter/ table United with Christ. HOW AWESOME IS THAT!
The mass is available on television and online , so I/ we can still spiritually connect and be fed when we cannot attend our church. Eucharistic ministers are available to bring the consecrated Eucharist to your home so to can receive this blessed gift. Call your local parish if need be.
I am fortunate also that the Blessed Eucharist is brought home for me.Amen.
I have been sitting here for nearly 3 years with one of the most magnificent experiences that I have ever personally experienced and witnessed. It was GOD IN ACTION.
I need not give out the doctors name for he too is reading this blog. I have waited until I felt God wanted it to be shared for his glory. What God wanted him to know was delivered by the Holy Spirit.
Shortly after my diagnosis, I was called to a doctor’s office to be seen. I knew this doctor over the years I would visit him for medical care. As I have stated before I had to be dragged to a doctor. My wife is tough like that. 🙂 And looking back ,how foolish I was.
Jeremy Camp, This is my Desire. How true these words are Amen !
Well, I arrived and the nurse I would generally meet with there was all set to go. She smiled as she came down the hall. I got up with my walker in front of me and began making silly jokes as I followed her. A defense mechanism of sorts.
She escorted me into the exam room and did blood pressure and pulse stats etc. She chatted with me as she helped me with my clothing.
She is a wonderful professional. She is compassionate and if you have eyes of faith you can see Jesus in her. Her beautiful eyes were watering , she knew me and I was pretty beaten up looking. But I was still smiling like it’s no big deal. People are always trying to figure how someone in such peril could be so joyful. It is the peace of Christ not me. I am a fractured person for sure.
I have had people say to me well I am glad that you aren’t afraid of death, and you look forward to dieing. I have to then set that record straight with them.
I love life, I love my family and would love to be here for a very long time. As humans we are creatures of what we know, we believe we are important to each other and want to ride shotgun in our loved one life’s to protect them. My kids will always be my kids whether they are 3 or 93. My wife will always be my girl from the grocery store that I married when we were both 24. She is mine eternally.
The reality of my life situation is this, for years I walked around calling on God trying to find him. I did not always feel him but as I learned he was always with me. He was making me work at my relationship with him. You cannot learn without struggle and adversity. Well along came cancer and in the exact moment of diagnosis. God revealed himself to me and peace has been the order of the day in my life. His peace, not mine.
Train Calling on all angels.
B left the room and within a minute there was a soft kinock on the wood door. In came my doctor he wanted to make sure that I would keep him involved with my treatment regimen. I told him sure, and I then authorized that action with my Dr. R. ( cancer oncologist) I thanked him for his care over many years, when I actually showed up for appointments.
He stood a few feet away and asked how are you ? The sorrow was on his face, I could see it. I said I was fine. By this time he worked his way towards the foot of the bed looking at my face with his clipboard in hand. He was about 5 feet away.
If you remember my writing about Spiritual events of the Holy Spirit at both Lahey Clinic and Dana Farber well the Divine Spirit of God as I call it took that room and ministered to that doctor. He was so shocked but stood there staring at me , I told him things about his ministry work as a doctor. God used my mouth and the Holy Spirits message to tell the Dr. about how pleased he was of him and his patient care. At one point my doctor said my God , it is the Holy Spirit and Dan is a messanger. The Holy Spirit said yes and conversed with him, meanwhile I was so touched by the Love that God had for him I was crying.
Well, the doctor was beginning to cry and said excuse me, the door opened and he left the room and his nurse B. was standing there with eyes swollen red with tears she entered the room and tried to keep her emotions in check. She then helped me dress. She obviously was waiting to dress me and heard my booming voice inside the room while standing in the hall. The Holy Spirit spoke a few very beautiful words to her too.
With that B left and my Dr. Came back in and said Dan, whatever you our your wife need please let me know. I mean anything. He was so sincere in his offering and I just remember being embraced by the Love and overflowed with tears once again. I said I am okay, its only joy overwhelming me. I said please pray for me and I will pray for you and your family. Well , I had been useing lots of tissues by this point and he went to leave and shake my hand and I sad no Dr, my hand is germy. Can I have a hug? He learned over and gave me a beautiful brotherly hug. As he left the room he had his hand on the door and it was half opened he gave me a big smile and came back to me and shook my hand. It was a very beautiful moment that I will never forget. I started down the hallway with my walker and greeted and smiled at everyone as I went. Word had spread to everyone there that something Heaven sent was happening there.
It was not me, it was God saying to everyone of us, I love you and I am here. God expects us to rely on him. Miracles are God’s gifts to us an they happen everyday.
Now, I do not think that I have touched on this complete story before but with 209 plus blog entries thus far, I may have appeared or been eluded to before this writing.
What happened that day to that office and its staff the whole building was nothing less than a Spiritual explosion you could feel and see the love. It was a Miracle that built up a lot of foundations of faith for sure.
I had not seen this doctor or staff for over 2 years since that date until recently and I will tell you about that appointment very soon.
Third Day – “I Need A Miracle” (Official Lyric Video)
Growing up when I did in the good old USA.during the late 6O’ s and seventies was good because God blessed me with a good family and specifically a mom and dad who were very much in step when it came to parenting and they had a United front.
We as kids were not part of the adult conversation. There were parameters set where mom and dad talked and decisions were made and that was the end of that. As we got older, they would allow us to be part of the conversation on things related to our own life journeys. We were given the dignity of our decisions. My parents allowed us to wobble and fall down a little too. It was a process of maturing and we had to evaluate the pro’s and cons and what net effect or consequence of what our choices would have on our lives.
As, my wife and I have raised our kids I often reflect on and now appreciate more fully the true amount of love, work, prayer and financial investment it would take to get our children to be ready to greet this world. To be a solid person, one who is self sufficient but not self centered. One that is optimistic, and see’ s the hope in the situation. Good Godly people. Amen.
Now, there is no such thing as a perfect parent because we have our own stuff too . The stuff that matters the most to any kid is love. Next in my view is stability. Kids need to know there is a constant in their lives that they know whatever happens you have them in your corner to support and love them.
Two adults who create a family need to step up and give what they have been blessed with the best and give a child stability,love and knowledge of God. Amen.
Toby Mac family
Having said that parents in my point of view do not need to bail their children out of every situation that they get into. My feeling is that we can try to help to guide them with biblically correct ways to correct the situation. That way they learn and can grow from it without it ruining their futures, self image or the image of who they are before God.
God loves us all, he does lot love the sin. But, a honest heart felt repentance and confession of sins makes us new before God.
We as kids can feel frightened and feel instability in our lives .So long as we have stability that is in fact in place for us, we will be fine. In others words even me a 52 year old kid when my life flipped upside down almost 3 years ago my life was very unstable but what my parents instilled in me from my childhood has allowed me to acknowledged that the instability exists but it did not shake my foundation. I owe my stability and feeling of love to my mom and dad , grandparents and countless others who have touched my life. They were and are God’s Blessings in my life. Amen.
My parents raised myself and my 4 siblings in the time period that was Woodstock, free love, and anything goes. I remember my parents struggled to get us through that period without it changing who we were. The culture was so powerful and the images of the day were pretty jarring.
My wife and I have dealt with the same stuff with our kids only now the culture is so connected because of the technology. The crap comes at them non stop.
I am grateful to God that my kids are almost there,they all are almost fully grown. That they know who they are, and are finding their own way. We guide and support them them but ultimately they have to pray on their decisions and make them on their own.
Being a parent is a true labor of love. They are part of us, they represent our personal best and perhaps our issues that we passed along. They carry our personal dreams for a beautiful ,peaceful and loving world with God as their father.
I saw this except from Michael Keaton on a news show today and felt very much in tune with his message. The message was old but it was made new. Love, sacrafice and devotion of parents.
REMEMBER, ALWAY BE GRATEFUL. ITS NOT HAVING WHAT YOU WANT, ITS WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE GOT. ( LYRICS FROM CHERYL CROW SOAKING UP THE SUN 🙂
That scripture was brought to me through prayer and came to me over the last 2or 3 weeks. I found it very powerful.
I was sitting in church 3 or so weeks ago and the mass began and ended. I was so detached from the entire mass. I honestly could not even tell you what the reading and homily were about. When I came across this scripture passage I recognized how true this scripture is
This passage is around 2,000 years old and the words apply to us all who are speaking the good news of God but often are not connected to him in that moment in a meaningful way.
I am convinced that no matter what faith you have or what faith you are raised in we need to be born again personally into the faith and relationship to God that our parents chose for us. Life is a personal journey. Just showing up on Sundays and putting in your weekly 1/2 hour does not make for a healthy personal relationship that will make you one with your God.
Like the day when I was in church a few weeks ago and my mind bounced from one thing to the next, during the entire mass but when mass ended I spoke to my friends about God’s goodness and his love for us. Does this mean that I am a clashing gong as the scripture said? I was speaking of God’s goodness yet was not in that moment mentally connected even during mass .
This question bothered me so much so I prayed a lot on it this is what I came up…
I think our personal relationships and fellowship are an intrical part of our faith. They help us to make and grow our connections with each other and God.
You know, life is short ( here) it seems to be going quickly. I have spent the last over 48 hours with a terrible head and chest cold. I spoke to my sister and said to her that last night I came down from my bedroom and was getting a sip of water and my wife was cleaning out draws etc. She asked if I wanted soup etc and I said no. Then turned and headed back to the bedroom. On my way out of the kitchen I said you know J, my live ended 3 years ago this coming March. It was a truth buried deep inside me that finally found the light. I think father would say that it is a healing to get it out into the open. The words came out, I was not shocked by them, they did not devastate me. They were just there. The truth according to Danny
That title seemed a little strange when I got it a while back, as a matter of fact I almost scratched the title idea on more than one occasion. Well it kept coming back to me. My life caught up to the meaning of this title of am I leaning on this life too much? over the last month or so.
I have been trying to figure out what caused my blues lasts week. I am bouncing back and feel better thanks to God. I have been quiet with myself, not talking a whole lot, thinking praying and resting. The title was heaven sent for this exact moment.
I have had a lot going on here , you know life stuff. But I think the root of my problem has most recently been based in the fact that I am relying on my dream of what life would have been. I was expecting life to make me happy. I had such grand illusions most of which were not based in God but of this world. And, you know life has always appeared to me to be pretty darn happy. I have been very blessed nothing is perfect but it has been very beautiful. So, what has changed? By the grace of God I now understand.
Whats been eating me….
Guilt, lots and lots of it.
I have been carrying a whole lot of guilt , survivor guilt, guilt over the fact that I am not working, guilt that I cannot tend to household chores, Guilt that I am still not the physical man that God created me to be. I wrote a couple of blogs ago that I felt like it was a death of a dream for myself, my wife and my kids.
Grand Illusion-Styx [Lyrics]
My illness made me not as capable when my mom and family needed me most.
I have seen many who I was helping who were looking for a Miracle perish from cancer etc and stand at their wakes and funerals knowing that their loved ones are thinking why him and not mom or dad. Why didn’t God save them. There are so many different layers to this.
The bottom line…
I know what people think and I understand and comprehend where they are coming from. My sister took me to a medical appointment around 4 months ago . The medical professional that I was meeting with was sitting behind her desk inputting my medical history and as she entered my personal information. This person was lovely but her personal hurt was on the surface. When she heard my diagnosis and saw how I present she said, why didn’ t God save my parents they were really good. Why should I be spared death in this moment? God only knows. As we left the appointment that day I told my sister today was not about me, it is about her. I am always open to talk to everyone I meet so I understand where they are coming from. I will answer just about any question thrown my way.
I sent an email to her the following day to thank her and to let her know that God did save her mom and dad. They were good prayerful people by her definition. 🙂 So thats my feeling. I have and will continue to tell everyone that I am here for the moment by the grace of God alone. For his reason and eventually I too will be called.
As far as family guilt goes, my family, wife, kids, brothers, sister mom and dad never said one disparaging word about my lack of ability to do and to be there.
I also know that the quilt lies with me. It’s my ego and vision of who I am that needs healing. So, I now have the key to my issue, I need to love myself where I am at and not by the standard that does not exist.
No matter what happens in life we need to bend, change and except truely what the life situation we are in. There have been times where I wanted to scream and throw a fit over the frustration of it all. I thank God for my prayer life, family , and friends . They help to balance my life out.
At my lowest point while laying in my chair and in my bed, I actually told God just take me . I was not being mellow dramatic, I was just tired and resigned to whatever happened to me but this voice in my head said this. Don’t give up. I was at my nieces wedding and it was beautiful. A song was played and my wife took my hand and said c’mon. I left the cane at the table and relied on her to get me to the dance floor. We slow danced for the first time in 3 years. In that moment I felt normal again, her eyes spoke the words in her heart and I felt and saw the beauty in that moment and in my life.
Don’t give up. . I heard those words gently through my brokenness.
We have such hope no matter what’s going on we need to put emotions aside and find God in our situations.
The last two weeks in particular here in Danny world have included so many different situations and events occurring at the same time. Some great and 1 not so great. It’s life, right?
We as people have one very strong component know as emotions.
Keeping an eye on your emotions and getting to know when you are taxes enough so you can stop your emotions from getting out of control is so important. During the blog writing on Sunday, as I read it again on Monday I could see the chaos and confusion that my emotions were sending out.
My mom used to say that she at times was physically, psychologically, and emotionally exhausted. My mom was a powerhouse. She too felt the strain of life.
Well, I now understand after 52 years what she meant.
The one thing about recognizing a new dimension in your emotional world is that after a day or so you realize you have survived it. It was a crappy place to visit and when you have a low like that I think we need to figure out what caused it. Sunday , when I woke up I was off somehow. Something seemed misaligned. The upbeat demeanour was not there but a since of blaah.
All day Sunday, I kept on trying to readjust my mindset and it was to no avail. It was just hanging with me. I guess I am now aware of what being totally blue is like. I have never experienced that before ever in my life.
There are parts of me that cancer has for ever changed. I think very differently. I face death will almost a ridiculous since of humor. I see optimistically and at the same time mourn in silence about a life lost. The death of my dream you could call it. I guess.
You know, Back three years ago as the darn cancer moved in from no where and began to kill me, the peace and strength that arrived and aided me was directly from God.
I remember saying to Father R., I will be the best handicapped witness to God that I could be. I was so brave I guess you could call it.
Well, the bus left the station and today my thought would be this. What is the measure of this man? ( me )What have I accomplished? I knew where I wanted to go to help people and to do it for God’s Glory. Regardless to how I feel in this moment God is responsible for the good. Life and my decisions are responsible for the rest.
So, today is a better day then Sunday,a little better than Monday. A song is bouncing around my head right now AS i am writing so here it is.
It always seems that when we are preoccupied with our own stuff a hero comes along, and blazes the trail for us all. As I wrote yesterday on my blog that everyone in life has trying times and that it is how we deal with that situation. No sooner did I post the blog yesterday that I heard about Stewart Scott. It is how you live as he said. He too was living his Victory. God Bless him and may he rest in peace.
He is a hero because of the way he lived with his struggles.
Just Danny Speaks 