My illness took me, a type A personality who never stopped and alterered my whole reality and my identity of who I was to myself, my family and the world. I went from super dooer to a person who relied on everyone especially my wife and kids, family and many friends for the majority of my daily needs. I remember the personal guilt of feeling as is if I failed my family and those who relied on me at that time. My mom and dad included. The fact that I could not work, and am  still not to this date, had really weighed on me . All the desires on my behalf of getting out of here have fallen short do to my slow but steady progress of recovery and the  rebounding energy drain from treatment etc. I am a Roman Cathoilc by my parents choice at baptism, by the sacrament of Holy Communion , Confirmation etc. Having said that,  I do believe is at some time in everyone’s life we are all born again. What I am trying to convey however clumby it may be is this. To me God, My personal God is waiting for us to personally meet him with a heart that yearns for him. I had always done the works before I had cancer. When I was a very young child I was a paperboy. On Thursday evenings I would go out deliver my evening route and collect the money from the customers, hopefully with a tip.:) I am guessing I was nineish. On Glen Ave in Arlington I had a number of clients, one inparticular has stayed in my heart and mind all theses years. Her name was Esther Sullivan. She lived in a second flloor apartment of a two family home. i would go up to her door ring the bell and there would be a buzz and the door would up lock for me. it was like Star trec or something. She could not do stairs easily anyway so, I would bring her paper up to her and her siamese cat would hiss at me.i though he was scary and exciting. His name was Tao. But, I digress. lol So anyways, during my visits. I would carry things in the kitchen because she was by herself and i wanted to. I began to spend a few more minutes there just talking to her about what ? maybe worms :)I then began to wash her kitchen floor her, I then went home and told my mom about Esther or in that day Mrs. Sullivan 🙂 My mom was making a cake at the time so I said mom can you make a little cake out of a small chicken pot pie tin, she was very compliant with my request and taada, Esther was getting a small cake weekly delivered in my mail bag on my stingray bike. The bottom line to this saga is this as a child our love and innocense guides so much. it is like the right thing to do is easily less complicated. Were just guided by God’s goodness and the Holy Spirit. As I got older personally doing good works and deeds became also combined with the fun of the crowd social aspect etc. Sorry was it really for God? The jury is still out. During my time here in a recliner ,I have had a lot of time to evaluate everything, not by emotion but by the Gold standard God, his teaching, commandments and what is this whole thing about meaning life. I do not know all the answers, i suspect I never will but I know the most important thing. God! He call us to love eachother the way that he loves us. God wants us to go to him for forgiveness , in my case that would be the confessional. because, I have learned that I need to forgive myself what i felt was my failure by getting sick and altering my whole families world. through my prayer, my confessional visits and a wonderful Priest, God has healed much more of my life that my body, my Spirit is awake and aware and the vision of myself as danny the person can love himself a lot more and accept that i did not bring this on myself. neither did God but he getting me through it one way or the other. He is the boss! He doing the very same for you all and always has. Well, One day I made my way to Esthers stairway rang the bell and there was no response after a few minutes, a man opened the screen door on the first floor and I said i was looking for mrs. Sullivan and he said she does not live here anymore. I still miss her today.Some times I wonder If she was sent as an angel into my life to see if I would respond to God’s calling. On a kind of sillier note I hope she was allowed to eat sugar and my little cakes were not leathal. Well in closing in Danny’s world here, I have made an effort whoever clumbsy to find God and it took diagnosis day when the Good Shepperd met me where I was at. We need to work our faith and pray even when we cannot feel anything. God will not fail to respond. And furthermore he will always meet us in the moment. Here is here. Feel the breeze on your face look at the beauty of a baby that you encounter it is that easy.

Carrie Underwood/ Vince Gill “How Great Thou Art” – YouTube

 

Bless You and Yours, Danny